Tuesday, December 16

Fashion Police — 12/22/14

I've been posting these every other week to Instagram, but considering that shit's too small to read, I'm migrating my LOLs here for keeps. So! In this week's issue of Us Weekly, one of those girls who is related to other girls gets in a fight with some guy, Taylor Swift wears a t-shirt and Mariah cries because she now has to completely reorganize her closet-partment to make up for the space where Nick Cannon's stuff once was.

But also...Fashion Police!

(click image to enlarge)

My friend and Twitter virtuoso Ryan Patricks is now on staff, and is so good at this that I might just bow out in order to make more room for him. But, then again, if Gwen Stefani keeps dressing like a Japanese video game's image library, I don't think I'd be able to silence myself for long.

Stay tuned for the year-end round-up! Boy oh boy, I hope Chris Brown's on it...

Tuesday, December 9


Come ye, confused aunts! Hello over here, lost brothers and overwhelmed friends! You and I both know how difficult it is to shop for the most colorful, interesting, flavorful — okay, weirdest — person on your list. So, instead of buying her a bizarre kimono or flax pants or a floral tween perfume and presenting it with shrugged shoulders and a gift receipt, here's an endless list of things she'll actually love, made by someone who's been stalking these treasures for an entire calendar year.

From toys for adults, doodle art for your walls and socially inappropriate jewelry for your wrists to silly travel goodies and more accessories than the depths of my burger drawer, this is everything your internet-obsessing, appropriated Dorito chip-loving self, snacktime-focusing self has ever wanted, and then some. Get deep in this, and while you're at it, pick something up for yourself. (Consider it evening the playing field for getting yet another pair of mittens from your grams:)

Felt donuts, $12 for 3 // Orla Kiely puppy purse, $308 // Skinnydip sundae bag, $48 (open link in Safari, site down in Google Chrome) // Glossier phase 1, $80 // Ample Hills Creamery 6-pack, $60 // Patterned sock, $12 //

Gilded hand necklace, $75 // Sandwich sticky notes, $12 // Brass Pretzel Necklace, $80 // Sonny fruit doll, $8 // Leopard boots, $159 // Pretzel Pin, $15 // Floral clutch, $67 // Incense adobe, $10 // Readers ring, $68

Skoshbox subscription service of Japanese candy and snacks, $12 a month // Every Day Beautiful print, $75 // Hot dog iPhone 5 case, $23 (open link in Safari, site down in Google Chrome)// Dorito pin, $150 // Wolfum for Of A Kind placemats, $70 // My Little Belleville Backpack, $65

Face necklace, $45 // Pompon necklace, $65 // Friends t-shirt, $23 // Beanie, $28 // Seletti umbrella, $48 // Explosion skirt, $90 // Collar clips, $18 // Monster stacks, $48

Rainbow trivet, $20 // Buried diamond raincoat, $145 // McDonals t-shirt, $21 // 5-in-1 charger, $13 // Kindah Khalidy Clutch, $56

Fetch bracelet, $85 // Skinnydip Unicorn Bag, $25 (open link in Safari, site down in Google Chrome) // Han Solo luggage tag, $5 // Kara backpack, $480 // Leather makeup pouch, $55 // Mr. Softee bracelet, $95

Cigarette bracelet, $60 // Falconwright clutch, $78 // My Little Belleville Print, $20 // Larry David t-shirt, $60 // & Other Stories hand cream, $11 // Grafea Backpack, $323 (open link in Safari, site down in Google Chrome)

Wednesday, December 3

Why We Can't Have Nice Things // Episode 13: Lauren Greenberg

If you're still listening to Taylor Swift's 1989 on repeat, it's time to give it a break. Not because that album has been out for weeks now and is definitely not worthy of a month-long listen (spoiler alert: nothing really is), but because there's something better on the horizon: this week's episode of Why We Can't Have Nice Things!

Twitter savant and future famous-comedy-writer-person Lauren Greenberg stopped by to talk about all of the ways that life as an adult female is weird and tacky and awkward and uncomfortable. Because really, if you're getting a manicure and aren't thinking about how ~*~uncomfortably silent~*~ it is the entire time, you're not doing it right. And if you're right now nodding your head like a Jerry Springer audience member, then you, pretty lady, better hit that button and listen AZAP.

Monday, December 1

Everything I Bought With The $100 I Made From That Sponsored Post Below

The internet is a weird frontier, you guys. I get so many e-mails about weird bullshit PR reps want me to post about — giveaways, contests, fashion apps whose founders haven’t realized that bubble has burst — but an e-mail from that below brand* was too good to pass up. So, that’s why I have a post written by a stranger (lol) about how to introduce sex toys into the bedroom (LOL) when I haven’t posted to this vast wonderland of blog goodness since, like, a god damn year ago.

I mean, if I was going to write a post about sex toys, it would just be a blinking question mark GIF because there is *no* way to introduce that to your significant other without him or her panicking about their inadequacy. I mean, if I’m forever resentful over my boyfriend ordering Seamless instead of eating the salmon I’ve been slaving over for the past hour, I can only *imagine* how one must feel when a tiny plastic robot from an overseas factory is swapped in for one’s very own human parts.

But hey , opinions aside, they wrote about it in the tone I asked them to, took my ideas and churned out a post two hours later (faster than even I do it for money) and everyone I know voted that, yes, it was too god damn funny to not sell my soul in exchange for $100 cash.

So, I did. And what did I do with the money?


I rolled into the New York outpost of Shareen Vintage like I just signed a record deal in 1999 and was headed straight to the strip club. I threw down on a harlequin-print sequin dress that was last worn in a jazz club before I was born, and a mini-kilt fastened by safety pins, which makes it less of a trouble for tailoring and more of a adjust-as-you-eat dream skirt.

And, because my life is a live-action Cathy cartoon, my total of course came out to one hundred dollars even. I’d show you a snap, but I threw it out quickly in a shame spiral after asking for praise and being met with ridicule. (Did I mention I’ve been getting shit at the homestead for spending cash the second I make it? Yeah, doing this the day the check cleared wasn’t a good look.)

Anyway, I know selling out in the name of sex toys isn't the most professional move, but hey, if I can get a glittery gown and a junior high catholic school uniform in exchange, well, I'm willing to part with a lot of my dignity.

* I say “that below brand” because I still have no idea if I’m even allowed to reference them by name because none of this makes any sense. Is that what people mean when they say "make that paper?" Harumph.
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