Tuesday, April 15

How To Accomplish All Of Your Freelance Projects On Time

1. Email back and forth with whoever's coordinating the bulk of the work, so that you have all the information in front of you.

2. Place everything in a well-organized GoogleDoc, so that it's all handy, and you know, right there for you.

3. Refuse to take the ten seconds it requires to file the document appropriately, forcing it to become the nineteenth "Untitled Document" in your Drive.

4. Have some more coffee, you'll need it!

5. Start working! Yes, it's gonna be just like finals crunchtime for college. You got this!

6. Write for ten to fifteen seconds.

7. Panic over your attentiveness and feel bad that you haven't yet had a book released/show created/bag of money drop onto your doorstep.

8. Decide life is a waste and go plop around the Internet.

9. Read a story about the new "Spanx For Your Face"

10. Go deep in research of former high school gentleman friends, see if anyone's faces have changed. They haven't.

11. See someone's '90s nostalgia post.

12. Click through to YouTube.

13. Watch another video on YouTube.

14. Watch another video on YouTube.

15. Watch another video on YouTube.

15. Follow your way down a trail of recommended videos until you land on this jackpot:

16. Realized that you totally won today.

Friday, April 11

Two Shows For The Price Of One!

I have about eighteen posts in draft form, but fuck that, those are officially on the backburner. These two videos are so good that you have to drop everything and watch them. Seriously. Baby in the arms, purse, sandwich, iced coffee — drop it all! That's what I did, at least, when my friend Alana sent them over and caused me to stand in the kitchen, leaning into the cabinet while snacking, watching Thomas Middleditch squeeze tear juice out of his face instead of doing the third load of dishes that were looming. (I make a lot of juice and don't trust sponges.)

Given that it's a Friday, and it's seemingly wonderful outside, and you're probably cooped up inside an air-conditioned building counting down the seconds until the weekend, why not give yourself a desk break? Yes, OK, I am just trying to get you guys to join in my procrastination of not starting anything until 10am because I was glaring at Ben Schwartz's familiar face, but still. These two will bring you more joy than a mid-afternoon trip to 16 Handles, so let's get down, shall we?

The one up top is a beautiful tale of a sad breakup, and the one below is a sad tale of a beautiful friendship. Do it to it. And have a good freakin' weekend, duh.

Friday, April 4


Hey! Remember that Olsen thingamablob I wrote? Well now it's also on my favorite literary wonderland, The Man Repeller. No surprise that, of course, it looks a whole lot better there, too. I'd update this site but I'm much too busy reading up on nutritional yeast and watching Kristen Bell sing songs from Frozen despite having never seen the movie.

Get it all over again (with an added slideshow of thinspirational twin photos) over on MR.

Thursday, March 27


A month back, my friend Claire came over to hang out and eat too many snacks, as per usual on a Friday night in this horrible, never-ending winter. With nothing fun to watch on TV, we figured, hey, let's drink wine and laugh at how lame Scandal is and how everyone has terrible taste because this show is just a ton of organized yelling. We watched the first episode, groaning at the screen whenever they discussed being "gladiators". Claire went home, and I proceeded to hunker down and watch three full seasons of Kerry Washington's tour de force without leaving my house for much else other than minimal levels of human interaction and the occasional chia seed muffin.

Since then, I've wondered what happened to the dude who played Desmond on Lost, what the deal is with Olivia subsiding on a diet of popped corn, and why they cast that bright-eyed girl to play a terrorist. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then good! I've put together a guide to everything you gotta know about the show with those cool cats over at The Man Repeller. No more nodding your head yes about Olivia and Fitz, no more confusion over why most middle-age women's ideal man is now a fifty-year-old white dude with nonexistent eyebrows. Now, you can get the joy of Scandal without having to fuck up your REM cycle from staying up all night to cram it in. That's almost as good as Jake Ballard taking his shirt off.

Check out the story, and you'll know what that means.

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