I've tried poaching slabs of chicken in water, poaching in wine, submerging in broth, cooking it on high heat then removing it and letting it sit, cooking the fuck out of it until the pan blackens over and looks like tar — the last one less of a technique and more of a confusing occurrence — but still, nothing. I've been so frustratingly lady-masculated by one serving of meat that I've even been throwing around the idea of living off a George Foreman grill and ignoring the stovetop like a least-favorite child who's turned to goth makeup and wallet chains. But, after some research, I found The Kitchn's How To section, which includes two recipes that have changed my lunchtime life — How To Cook Moist and Tender Chicken Breasts Every Time and How To Cook Brown Rice.
Granted, each method takes longer than Rice-a-Roni and their "Seriously, do NOT open the lid!!" instructions are threatening and oh so clearly directed at incompetent ninnys like me, but voila!
Chicken that's not dried out like piece of jerky, and rice that's no longer terrible! Looks like that whole "skipping over mastering the basics and going straight towards cakes and pies and eating frosting out of the container with my fingers" problem is solved.