Friday, May 18

Movies I Watched This Month And Mostly Didn't Like

I've never seen any classic movies. Anything. I've spent a lot — a lot — of time trying to figure out what I was doing instead during those hours of my childhood, and no matter how many times my brother and I interrogate our parents or try and figure out just how long we were at Shotokan Karate practice, something just doesn't seem to pan out.

I've seen Last Action Hero nine thousand times, every television special about stranger danger and oddly spent most play dates with Rebecca during our formative years watching Welcome To The Dollhouse and Waiting For Guffman (which, when you look at us now, makes a lot of sense), but beyond that there are gaps. So many gaps. Like, how I've lied for ten years that I've seen The Goonies when in reality, it's still sitting in the Netflix sleeve on the living room desk because I can't get through the first half. Or, how I had never seen Jurassic Park until this past year, and still haven't seen the ending. (Do the dinosaurs eat each other? I assume it ends in a cliffhanger because there's a second one? Oh fuck, does Jeff Goldblum get eaten alive?)

With so much time on my newly freelanced hands, I'm starting to drag myself through the long, long, long, long list of things I've missed growing up, and some recent ones as well. Here's a few, and some poorly spoken words about how I didn't like them:


Drive:




What I thought this movie was about: Ryan Gosling and Carrie Mulligan looking less-than-decent, having a bang here or there, and speeding through city streets while Ryan almost gets caught by cops but never does and then exits his sportscar all slyyyyly with that creep-o scorpion jacket.

What this movie was actually about: Killing an entire city full of people until the streets run red and limbs have to be piled up like it's the second coming of The Plague and we have to dispose of all the ill. No? Not that many? Because that's sure how I felt while watching puddles of blood form every five minutes. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS WAS BLOODY?? I nervously ate so much popcorn that I was dehydrated for two days. Horrifying.



Kramer vs. Kramer




The slowest episode of Law And Order I've ever seen, with the shiniest hair of all female cast members combined. One of the most entertaining parts of this movie-slash-parental-learning-DVD-on-how-not-to-treat-your-abandoned-son is that Meryl Streep looks exactly like her (and Eileen on Smash's) daughter when she's young, second only to how good Dustin Hoffman looks in sweatshirts. (And, since you're wondering, like, '70s aerobic porn dream good.)

Now, I wouldn't necessarily suggest going the Mrs. Kramer route and ditching your family and child to go explore the world, but you know, if this broad could do it and build a life for herself afterwards, there's gotta be some sort of "fuck your life, quit your job, do what ya want" trope in here we could all take heed from. And really, her her hair looked beautiful when she came back, too. Lack of childrearing stress does some wonderful things for your hair, i'll tell ya.



Igby Goes Down:




Claire Danes with crunchy curls! Lane from Mad Men with eyeliner! Jeff Goldblum being all old-fox hot! I find all Culkinses voices oddly soothing like one of those rainforest noise CDs from WalMart that just makes you have to pee, but god, I still can't get past Ryan Phillippe's snarl-face. And that Abbie Cornish thing. As someone who won't even let myself travel-indulge in reading an Us Weekly at the airport, I have so much misguided celebrity hate racked up for that schmo. Also, there's a pair of Amanda Peet boobs in this, so if boy ever tried to impress you by saying he likes indie films that are Holden Caulfield-inspired, he was shitting you.



Half Nelson:




It's an interesting paradox, that when Ryan Gosling seems his most accessible and so realistic as a potential boyfriend — let's get real, the only reason why we watch all his movies — he's a crackhead. A crackhead! Didn't know crackheads and potential date rapists (mild spoiler alert) could be so precious with a band-aid slapped across their face, but damn. Hotter as a crackhead than a mass murderer and great at that deadpan acting stuff, I'll give you that, but still not worth the 106 minutes of waiting for a snooze fiesta of an ending.



Risky Business:




All I knew going into this was that Tom Cruise dances in his undies to that song and has some silly high school fun! I did not know that he runs a fucking prostitution ring in my hometown (seriously, license plates and Skokie-references alike) and more importantly, that people actually find him attractive. THIS is the Tom Cruise that Katie Holmes grew up staring at on her wall? THESE are the Tom Cruise glory days? I can't believe people found this robot sexually appealing, especially since he's oddly reminiscent of the guy from Skins,fully rounding out the list of people I would vomit on while having sex with because of their hairless childbodies. Ick.

Also, really love the freeze-frame of him throwing on sunglasses, give life the ol' fuck you and succumbing to the sad, slummy life he'll have in that non-Princeton college he can get into — The University of Illinois.


Thanks for that.




Reality Bites:




Yes, Ethan Hawke is crazy-'90s-hot, but why wouldn't you end up with Ben Stiller?? Why not??? Ethan Hawke is one late night and bad song away from becoming a heroin addict and Ben Stiller owns a car. And toys! And knows how to survive as an adult! He's so smart and successful, he owns a car and has an office with toys just for fun*, because when you're that professional and skilled you can have toys on your desk and people will think you have a personality, not a childlike inability to do basic Excel functions.

*Realizing this isn't usually what people look for in significant others. Guess who's a serial monogamist and doesn't know how to use a fax machine.

3 comments:

Catie Beatty said...

I loved Drive, but I think everyone who saw it said the same thing "OMG my eyes! The blood! So violent!" I remember everyone who came out of the movie theater I saw it in had the same white face of shock when leaving.

You are a great writer, btw. Glad I found you via IFB.

Carlye Wisel said...

IT'S SO TERRIFYING. I'm still scared just thinking about it. I always heard you get better with the sight of blood once you get older, but considering I'm a functioning faux-adult and the thought of it makes me queasy, that's a crock o' shit.

Thanks so much for checking it out, lady! xoxo

Carlye Wisel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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