Tuesday, June 19

Everyone's A Dumb Whore.


I have so many feelings about the season finale of Girls. They made me like Adam? They made me hate Hannah? They made me wonder why Marnie, who would clearly have The Beauty Department on her RSS feed, would ever braid-crimp her hair for a party? I judged everything in this little half-hour of television — burlap sack bridal veil included — only to be completely proven wrong moments later. Even my boyfriend kept yelling "This is so stupid!" while watching it in the other room, until I heard him go "I like that Shoshanna!" a few minutes later.

How did they do it?? By turning every perspective upside down, it all magically sort of started to make sense:



We all think Jessa's a fucking idiot throwing her life away on marrying that Williamsburg high rise prick...until she's crouched on the toilet, peeing and talking about how much of a happy little bird she is. I had just assumed her makeshift wedding was the result of wanting to prove everyone wrong, especially the quintessential adult mother figure Katherine who tried to set her straight the week before. But, she finally gave in to her own ability to be happy, most especially because you can't be the type to have an impromptu wedding without long, flowing hair and a closet full of bohemian dresses. The guy who can't dance, the guy who flipped when he got a stain in his carpet, the guy who Jessa even said makes her nauseous — as long as she's happy, it all cancels out. The only thing that doesn't? Either she was insanely well hydrated for her nuptials, or that bitch is a slow pisser.




We all think Marni's an goof for thinking Bobby Moynihan's nerd emcee-priest is cute...but she's finally trusting her gut instead of her crazy Type A brain, so it makes perfect sense. She just put a man who slapped her in his place in the classiest way possible, refused to backtrack with her snoozeworthy ex-boyfriend who's propelling upwards through life without her, and didn't even get phased by Hannah trying to to fall back into their old ways when itching to complain about Adam at the wedding. She put four people in their place that episode, the last of which was herself — for someone so concerned about living by a set of rules laid out by her own will, she finally made a decision about life based on happiness, not obligation.




We all think Hannah is insane for not eating that cake sooner...BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HOW COULD SHE NOT EAT THAT CAKE SOONER?? I won't even acknowledge my feelings about the closing sequence and the "alone but not lonely" state of purseless train affairs because this madness is completely lost on me. As someone who is (in complete denial of being) more like Hannah Horath than I care to admit, she passed by so many sad, fuck-my-life golden opportunities to sit and pity-eat, and not just pity-eat any old snack or cookie or protien bar but fresh wedding cake. Hard icing, mushy center wedding cake! The distance I walk home from the grocery store is a short three blocks and I have never not thought of sticking a spinach leave into my mouth during that time period. Yesterday, I stopped a yellow light so I could try to sneak a piece of feta out of a closed salad bar container from the bottom of my grocery bag and gave up because there was no way to do it in time and this was, no joke, 120 seconds from my building elevator. I don't even buy anything out-of-the-box edible and cant stop thinking about scarfing the pointy end of raw carrots sticking out of shopping bags and here this bitch has her purse stolen, her boyfriend practically disown her and her best friend move on for good and doesn't instantly scarf a dessert plated on tinfoil with a reduction of tears? Not having it.

Back to our regular programming:



We all think Shoshanna is such an immature weirdo...but she might actually be the most normal one of the bunch. Think about it. Hannah backtracked on what she apparently wanted most: Adam and a writing career. Marnie moved on from what she thought she wanted most: a life where everything, emotional (relationships with Charlie, Hannah) and physical (her home and all of her belongings) are in their right place. Jessa gave up what she seemed to care about most — her unwavering freedom and a dependency on only herself. But Shoshanna? She knows what she wants — to bang! and maybe to pull off leopard print skinny jeans and re-enact the entire third season of Sex & The City — and is herself, through and through. Everyone had a complete life shift that rocked the very makings of their character except that adorable little neurotic nugget.




We all think Adam is a ridiculous, borderline terrifying hyper-prick waste of a human...but he came through in the end. I'm still not sure how they made this complete putz and terrible schlub seem so vulnerable and empathetic, but they did. The crying at the wedding, the kitchen sink consolation that Hannah the ability to shrug off a failed best friendship (the lowest of female lows), the lonely sugar binge to try and learn to like the things Hannah likes and to try and be like everyone else — he finally met her halfway, and she ran. Once Hannah finally has him it's no longer what she wanted, kind of like the inverse of Jessa, who never wanted any of this (wedding, husband, adulthood) and instantly got it. And the saddest part is, Adam's completely right — just a few minutes of fighting outside the party ("Is this the game? You chase me like I'm in the fucking Beatles for six months?") makes the entire perspective of the show shift from how much you want Hannah to win at life, love and out-writing that nasty Tally Schifrin, to how much you actually don't want Adam to lose. With two simple screaming fights, they turned Hannah from the lovable centerpiece to despicable deadweight, even in those matching shoes and dress.

I think I'm still bitter about the cake thing.


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