Thursday, June 28

I Have So Many Thoughts About Dawson's Creek, Take 1

I don't know where I was or what I was doing when Dawson's Creek was on TV — ripping Hanson posters out of Bop Magazine? Getting Gak stuck in my parents' cream-colored carpet? — but I never paid attention to it. That is, until last week, when I started watching Season 1 on Netflix and now cook five times a day so I can chop carrots and onions and potential fingers while catching up and wondering if people thought Michelle Williams was hot back in the day and how many body parts of Katie Holmes' are still human and not alien and other legitimate things like that.

So, while trudging through the circus episode and the love triangles and the friend snuggling of the first season and trying to squint and see what that ol' lady teacher might see in a fifteen-year-old pre-pubescent boy, it hit me:

Dawson's Creek is Archie Comics, come to life.

Okay, so get this:

Dawson as Archie, the gentle, kind, vanilla-of-a-guy who's torn between two girls he surrounds himself with at all times.

Joey as Betty, the best friend-slash-loyal confidant to Archie and deep, sort of long-term love interest based on their compatibility and personalities.

Jen as Veronica, the good-lookin', advantaged in the boobular area gal that Archie can't help himself from being infatuated with.

Pacey as Jughead*, the class clown royal fuckup who everyone seems to love except for authority figures and, I don't know, people who don't want him eating their sandwiches? Still working on that part.

Ciff as Reggie, the hot high school stud, top-notch athlete and additional love interest to Veronica whose practical jokes often backfire.

Capeside as Riverdale, the small, quiet town located in Massachusetts where all these homies live.

Okay, actually, walking to Parkway Drugs to spend my dollar bills on tiny comic books might have been what I was doing all that time. And collecting old stacks of them from the '60s that I still have in a hand-doodled — oh my god I forgot about this — multi-colored comic book storage box I bought at the local nerd alert Mortal Kombat-y game store. Fuck it, I'm embracing the weird! I'm embracing it!

How I ever had boyfriends growing up, I will never know.

*"Jughead is known for his ability to consume unusually high quantities of food in a single sitting without getting sick or gaining weight (although he sometimes sports a potbelly after particularly large meals)." — throw in about three spin classes and this bro's my SOUL MATE. Please direct your attention to Jughead's Wikipedia page and enjoy the uncanny similarities.

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