Dream job: cereal box copywriter. The vision appeared to me through a hazy crumb cloud while eating some sugary snack a few years back, but it lit a tiny flame that keeps on burning for the possibility of describing fruity-flavored corn poofs with as many exclamations as possible for a paycheck.
Since that career is on hold as it probably takes place inside a huge corporate factory alongside the sniffers and the flavor-makers and the taste-testers, I decided to temporarily bump it down the list and upgrade another dormant thought in my brain blob: greeting card maker.
Much like the person who goes, "Uh...looks like a plain square to me" when looking at Rothko's paintings, I continuously pick up mildly amusing notes on thick cardstock, flip them over and see a tiny sticker with "$5.95" on it and think, "Couldn't I just do this myself?"
So, I decided to try just that. And, unlike my tepid forays into coffee-making and "inspiration journaling" (I've been reading too many mom books), I think this one might actually stick.
What You'll Need:
-Glitter — I bought the Martha Stewart rainbow of possibility that Mr. Kate uses, but any fine glitter works
-Glue Pen — unsurprisingly, Martha Stewart killed it on this one too
-Thick white or cream notecards
-Old issues of WWD you meant to read but never did, or any type of newspaper
What To Do:
The process is pretty self-explanatory, but whatever you do, just make sure you write the inside message before glitter-gluing. Everything everywhere will be covered in shiny bits by the time you're done (clean up tip: damp paper towel to clean up surfaces, wash hands, repeat), so this makes sure you won't smear anything. I've had the best luck refraining from turning my dining room table into a grammar school arts classroom by throwing out excess glitter instead of trying to get it back into the tubes, but it still keeps ending up in my boyfriend's beard, so who knows. Old Duane Reade bags repurposed as trash bags are your friend with tidy benefits in this situation, for sure.
These Thank You cards being shipped off to my family members are pretty tame, but the possibilities ahead are many. I just think there's something so amusing about wishing someone well in a sarcastic manner, and wrapping it all up in a shiny homemade bow. Granted, I haven't been on the receiving end of my sweet-mean cards — "Another year until you're in the grave!" doesn't sound as grim when it's in sparkling glitter — but all in due time.
Some ideas, for the occasions in your young lives:
Thank You: As you saw above, I like oldey-time phrases like "Aw, Shucks. You Shouldn't Have!" for platonic relationships, but for ol' gal pals, try "Just Wanted To Suck It In And Say... with "Spanx!" on the inside flap.
Apology: A simple "Fuck." in gold glitter should do the trick, but if you're in particular trouble for saying something out of line, "Oye Vey", "Uh-Oh." or a big ol' sparkly sad face are all good fallbacks.
Congratulations: "Yes! Yes! Yes!", all in a vertical row on top of each other in a cohesive color scheme, like red/green/blue or light gold/gold/brown, if you're working with a glitter kit.
Staying In Touch: A good ol' "Hey, I'm Still Alive!" for your college pals, or "Who's Got Two Thumbs And Can't Remember What Your Face Looks Like?" with the inside saying "This Guy!" for anyone else.
Hanukkah: "I Love You A Latke". Glitter pancakes!
If no one's going to write each other letters these days, might as well have fun with it when you do. Life's too short for those terrible 99 cent cards.