Wednesday, August 8

Weezy Breezy Lemon Squeezy

From traveling to Chicago and being an internet space case for the past week, I've missed a lot of ridiculous celebrity news, including that over the weekend, Kanye West debuted a song about Kim Kardashian being a perfect human specimen. Which is somehow, in some cracked out world, more of a news story than this gem of a sentence the NY Daily News included in their roundup:

"Singer Maxwell and actor Leonardo DiCaprio shared a table with ‘Ye when he finished his set."

I don't understand a lot of things in life, like how to read a watch and how to multiply numbers just using your brain, but this sentence deeply confuses me. Like, Scientology-level massive brain explosion confusing to me. Maxwell — who I'm pretty sure is nothing more than an Andy Samberg character wearing a 'fro and singing like Barry Gibb — and Leonardo fucking Titanic Jack Brain Traveling Inception Greaser Dude DiCaprio? This is your posse? Jay-Z's family-only entourage includes an A-list singer and her too-cool DJ sister, and Kanye's inner circle of people he chooses to surround himself with includes a D-list version of Usher?

I'm fairly certain that almost any other mismatched celebrity pair would have worked better at that table. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and David Blaine. Carly Rae Jepsen and Steven Tyler. Katie Holmes and Rupert Murdoch. Even Katy Perry and John Mayer would have made more sense to be feting the rapper than Maxwell and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Which brings me to another confusing issue. Considering I only turn on the E! network to get lost in the black hole that is Giuliana's lollipop head or to watch my idol Joan Rivers make a hefty paycheck for being a professional bitch, I've never seen these new episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but apparently, Kanye West is on them? I don't know how none of my loved ones realized this was a Top Level discussion topic that should have been relayed to me immediately, as the idea of Bruce Jenner's grandma face and one of the greatest rappers of all time sharing TV time is too much to handle. And, well, throw the former owner of a Jack Dawson bowl-cut and a 40-year-old R&B singer and you've got a fiesta of mind-boggling proportions.

But in all seriousness — do you think Kanye uses emojis when texting Leo? My money's on yes. Especially the two girls doing the line dancing one.


spassky said...

DUDE: listen to some Maxwell first, kay?

Anonymous said...

How did Maxwell become a D-lister?? And by the way, he is not 40 yet!!! Thanks!!!

Carlye Wisel said...

R&B music just feels like nails on a radio chalkboard to me. I grew up being driven around listening to slow jams when all I wanted was to hear N*SYNC on repeat and perfect Britney Spears' Oops I Did It Again dance and was stuck listening to snap-a-long soul, so I've got some sort of deep-seeded dislike.

And dude, Maxwell's totally 39 years old! Without that fro, too, I'm pretty sure most of America would identify all of the children on the Real Housewives of New Jersey before they'd guess his name. Actually, I'm positive of that.

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