Ugly is ugly — hideous garments, pointless peplum and garish prints — but when you add enough glitter to something, or put toy food on top of it, boom! Explosion of pleasure. If I laugh out loud at something I'm forcibly committed to purchasing it, and, after some of these, I wouldn't mind you dedicating a couple of minutes at Rosh Hashanah services to me for hoping and praying I don't wind up in Opening Ceremony with my four credit cards any time soon.
So, with that, I present: the contents of my Spring 2013 Dream Closet.
A game of Operation in a gown? Sold. Also, is that purse an elevated pastry box on the right?!?! Because if we get to the point where Anna Wintour condones me carrying around four cannolis at a time "in case of emergency", I'm going to need an EZ Scoot to get around the city.
SWOON, Marc Jacobs. Swoon. Jailhouse chic is tricky, because you could easily end up in the Beetlejuice territory, or even worse — Wicked Witch Of The West Village, where everything just looks like those sad striped socks that peek out from under the house — but he hit it on the deli cookie mix on the nose, unlike some others. Imagine how many "What's black, white, and embarrassing us with her jacket?!" jokes your friends could make before you walk out on them and are admired elsewhere?
While Rodarte felt like a silent "you're welcome" to Rihanna for filling her closet for the next 6 months, Betsey Johnson was Nicki Minaj's wet dream. I mean, Christ almighty, look at these wonders:
Faux-fur lined teacup jackets? Carpet coats? They even had a PLASTIC RAINCOAT WITH MONSTER BOOBS. I have no idea how this line is going out of business, because I plan to buy EVERYTHING SHE'S SELLING. The whole thing was like Carly Rae Jepsen meets Rainbow Brite meets trashy underage LA prostitute waiting for her Pretty Woman moment. And, just when you thought it couldn't get any better?
TOY JEWELRY. (This is what zoom photography and flash slideshows were made for.) The clothing was so insane that even a fake baby, teacup pig and hairkini (yes, that is what we're calling that) barely stood out. I've never been so glad I clicked through 90 slides.
Mara Hoffman's entire collection was divine, and not just because she won me over with her love of Akon. It's basically everything the girl who's dressed better than you at brunch fills her closet with. This woman just made me want to wear a bathing suit, dudes. All hail.
I HAVE LEOPARDS FOR ARMS! I HAVE LEOPARDS FOR ARMS! I HAVE LEOPARDS FOR ARMS!
(Now back to your regularly scheduled programming)
Rachel Roy made a dress that's more ethereal than those Fiorucci babies and I like it. As I'll mention in a second, I never white, but this one's got me by the ladynads. And wait, what? We can wear granny sweaters with formal wear now?!? You actually just ruined my boyfriend's life. And, though everything was near-perfect, this dress would be way better in brown and cream a la chocolate-vanilla swirled fro-yo, but its not her fault she keeps making me hungry.
I can't afford to fill my apartment with Jeff Koons balloon animal statues, but this Derek Lam biznaz? This I can get behind.
If I ever go back to University of Illinois to give a speech on how to succeed despite going to school in southern Illinois, you can bet your sweet fanny I'll be wearing this Tory Burch wheat suit. And DVF, bless her weird technology-loving soul, showed a gown that's like the catsuit from Britney's "Toxic" video...only in my size.
I never wear white because I'm way too klutzy with utensils and someone's gonna end up seeing a nipple, but if breakfast's gonna end up on my crisp, clean shirt — why not just make it intentional? Chris Benz and I, two peas in a yum-let's-eat-our-way-out-before-someone-knows-there's-edamame-on-the-table pod.
You know it's a good sign when you can't figure out what's going on but you like it, which seems to be the underlying theme for Phillip Lim's creations. Pair it with that asylum chic jumpsuit and a dress that already looks like it's taking itself off, and you've got enough garments to scare away men for days. Brilliance.