Monday, September 24

Emmy Awards 2012: Dresses, Photos And Marginally Attractive Men In Motion

DRESSES! Dresses.

Alright, people. It's critique o'clock. So, I hate to be all Guiliana Rancic about The Emmy gowns from last night and say that "The pictures just dont do these gowns justiceeee", but it's kind of true. (Except for Lucy Liu's robot gown, I don't think anything besides a jet pack and a tiny home for Zenon could have fixed that.) All in all, everyone looked a general level of "pretty good", and considering it was 90 degrees outside and I can't walk briskly in anything over 70 without looking like an obese person trying to climb stairs, that's pretty impressive. And, also, another reason we should all hail our sun god Julianne Moore, who somehow didn't pit out her long-sleeved gown at any point or just pass out in a lump on the red carpet in front of Ryan Seacrest, like I would have done.

So, onto the dresses! And all of the men:

Despite the total department store Bat Mitzvah shoes, Anna Chlumsky looked slammin'. And, even if she looks pretty plainzoid in this pic, trust, it was spot-on. Kat Dennings, shockingly enough considering her choice in television shows, looked simply beautiful, which people seem to be scared of these days with those neon gowns and whatever this thing is that Jena Malone wore. But, if I was famous enough to starve for a week and stuff myself into a dress, I'd do it the same way, too.

Kerri Washington wins the "most symmetrical face award," which I'd give her every day of the week and will never bestow upon anyone else because please, look at her face and tell me you wouldn't wear it like a mask over yours if given the opportunity. And Julia Louis-Dreyfus, for being so much better dressed than Elaine, and looking like a total effing star. But...the big winner is...

Christine Baranski. Holy christ, this woman is sixty years old, wore a short ass hemline and looked fucking good. Personally, I find it hard to fawn over Zooey Deschanel's gown and goofy doodle manicure when someone almost a decade older than our moms looks this dope in a minidress, so I'm puttin' all my Joan Riversian big bucks behind this one.

(Not pictured: Claire Danes, because hasn't she gotten enough out of life already? A trophy, an adorable talented husband, another killer TV series, a tot inside her skinny self and the ability to steal away Mary Louise Parkers' kids' dad, not to mention looking good last night. She's cut off from any more awards.)

Onto the gentlemen...

Oh, the gross, mystifyingly attractive men of Girls. They're my new favorite red carpet men, consdiering Michael C. Hall brought some terrifying Canadian book critic girlfriend who looks like she could eat someone's soul all while wearing a goodwill dress she found and threw on because "she's not into the capitalism of these things." Oh, and because this happened:

NOOOO! Seth Meyers, how could youuuuuu! Why didn't you wait for meeeee! He apparently met his girlfriend at a wedding, which means if any of us were more successful and had funnier friends, this could have been any one of us. Or me. This could have been me. I still think he's the undiscovered Brad Pitt of celebrityville, and thought that solidified my chances at befriending him while interjecting, "you know, you're like, really attractive" into every conversation, but then this broad swooped in and stole him away. She laughs at all his jokes, according to an article I read while feverishly Googling the name "Alexi Ashe" last night. I could have laughed at all his jokes :( We ALL could have laughed at all his jokes! God damn.

But, the greatest mystery of all: January Jones. Because when I look at her dress, I think one thing:


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