Sunday, September 9

I Have So Many Thoughts About Dawson's Creek, Take 7

Joey Potter just got on a fucking boat and left for three months? You're shitting me, right? If I were her, Audrey Wisel would have an Amber Alert posted so quickly that we wouldn't even be able to get 500 yards from the dock before she would frantically convince a young lifegard to jump off the pier, swim after our sailboat and demand I return to the dock before I'm grounded "from here to the rest of eternity."

Just the singular fact that Joey came home after the wedding, changed out of her bridesmaid dress and then ran back to find Pacey would have turned my suburban household upside down. You can't sprint near a neurotic parent without them thinking there's a fragment of a chicken bone stuck in your throat, or a pedophile neighbor chasing after you as quickly as physically possible. Doing anything quickly near an overprotective mom = insta-interrogation.

And, if you're thinking "Wellllll, everyone knows from Law & Order it takes a certain amount of hours before police start investigating a missing persons report", you clearly do not understand the power, sheer will and near-political levels of control my mother has. And you're an asshole, because if you think I'm going to spend three months on a boat that doesn't feature a midnight buffet and a piano bar, you've lost your brains.

Though this whole moment was pretty darn cute.

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