Tuesday, October 2

Leadership In Retroactive Giving Award


There's nothing missing here. Promise!

I am an asshole. I am a person with good intentions but terrible bad habits. I picked up the singlehandedly yummiest chocolate chip cookie in all of New York for that human I cohabitate with, but despite walking all the way home with it oozing eggy flavor and buttery grease through its brown paper bag, I didn't touch it until the second I put it on his desk and tried to walked away, diving in for crumb after crumb like a mouse testing her unnoticed luck.

Saying, "I am such a dickwad! I am a bad person" out loud while eating someone else's surprise cookie has got to be worthy of some sort of womp-womp shoulder shrug Girl Scout Badge, at least to reward those of us who are better at getting glitter inadvertently stuck to our face for six hours than dog shelter assistance and fire safety training. Actually, I'm not sure if abandoned puppies or firefighter training are offered badges, since I never actually made it to the 'scouts, but I know if I had joined, I wouldn't have gotten many of those iron-ons. Whatever, kelly green's not my color anyway.

Which leads me to another entrepreneurial thought: Is the "break off a crumb so that it looks like the cookie is still intact and just happened to crumble on transit" move patented? Because I might have to move in on that, stat.

And...I definitely took a third bite while writing this post.

I clearly never earned the "Morality In Sharing" award.


UPDATE:
Or, as it turns out, the "Knows How To Keep Her Mouth Shut Badge Of Silence" either:


Fuck.

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