Tuesday, November 20

All Of The Unanswered Questions I Have About Homeland

If Fred Armisen is right — which, he probably always is — then white people really can't get enough of Homeland. And, as the owner of the lightest shade of foundation Dior makes, I voluntarily crowdsurf my way straight into that pile of lovestruck vanilla doofuses.

I've watched all of the episodes in complete backwards order and have skipped between seasons almost five times now, but after a mega-marathon this past Saturday night (I'm old and lame and don't like being elbowed by drunk people in crowded bars who do finance for a living, so sue me), I'm caught up on everything and am fucking stuck. From Brody's odd wardrobe to Dana's bleeding heart and everything in between, I've got a pile of frustrations and preguntas that have stacked up to the point that even Saul and his mesmerizing ombre beard have got me buggin'.

Be warned: This inner monologue-turned-text rant is full of plenty of references to both seasons. Insane spoiler alerts lie ahead, and not in a "Our house has a Beware of Dog sign just because we don't want to get robbed" kind of a way.

If I ruin something for you, I ain't takin' no blame. Let's do this:

So let me get this straight — Dana knows her dad's a terrorist and feels no guilt...but is an accidental accessory to a crime and is drowning in it? A nighttime drive gone terribly wrong versus suicide bomb in a room full of hand-picked people, and she's broken inside over the first one? yyyyeah, your dad wants to murder people to avenge for the death of a kid that isn't his. Pick your poison.

Which is worse, sleeping with a known terrorist, sleeping with a married politician, or sleeping with a co-worker? It's like the saddest game of do-date-or-dump you could think of, especially because they all end with Carrie Matheson's apple chin.

Listen, Saul, if I know to not leave a glass bottle in the room with a clinically depressed, sun-deprived sorta-murderer, you should too. I don't want to hear you do the Sh'ma any more, it makes me feel bad for never going to synagogue.

NEVER trust anyone who's obsessed with jazz. Not really a question, just a new life affirmation.

If Jessica knew Mike before Brody and didn't marry him instead, I blame her. This shit's her fault. Brody legit looks like Ron Howard as a child just with longer limbs, and Mike is like the cover of those Firefighter calendars they sell at Barnes & Noble. Look at that face! Bro wouldn't even be a firefighter, they would just hire him to model for the front cover because he looks the part and has really good bone structure.

When did it become OK with her bosses for Carrie to sleep with Brody again? They're playing it like that's something the CIA has always been down with, but you know there's no mildly unstable officer out there right now getting paid by the government to sleep with some ginger-y halfway terrorist just to keep him "in the game."

Why is Jessica's neck so long? And why do they keep accentuating it with boat neck dressed and small, dangly earrings? I liked her better as an alien.

If there's anything I've learned from the bummer episodes of Oprah (you know, where they talk the whole time and everyone blots tears from their eyes) or the Stranger Danger special on PBS my mother required me to watch, like, six times a day, it's that you should never leave the first location with someone who's trying to nab you. Brody could prooooobably learn a few life lessons from these.

Why didn't anyone in wardrobe give Brody a larger polo shirt to wear on this past episode? The dude has been mix-n-matching casual suitwear like a pull-out Esquire guide, but can't get simple tops correct? Bullshit. Even that shirtdress Abu made him wear looked better than these American Eagle hand-me-down-sized duds.

Can we give the littlest Brody a plot line, please? That kid's probably missing out on the golden years of middle school cafeteria lunches and kickball recess for this shit. The least we could do is throw a non-karate line or two his way.

Is it me or did they sort of gloss over that whole D.C. fountain explosion as "Ahhhh. Whoops!" and then moved on?

If Brody is one of Nazir's homedogs, why is he being carted off all the time with men dragging him by the arms? Wouldn't they just let him walk slowly? Love in the crew? That type of thing?

Why does Dana only own one pair of boots? And where can I buy them?

CAN'T SERGEANT BRODY JUST RUN OUTDOORS IN PEACE?! Good GOD, people! Mid-jog is not the time for meetings!

Why does Silver Lining Playbooks look so miserable? I know, nothing to do with this, I'm just very hung up on it.

Remember when Dana fell through the glass door? That was fantastic.

Is no one on this program concerned about job security? I spent two years at a record label petrified that I'd be axed every single day for something like not knowing how to re-code a Jennifer Lopez e-mail newsletter — a skill I was never taught, keep in mind — and these crackheads make out with each other in the woods during a presidential retreat and run away from the CIA and have their bosses go, "Yeah, she's crazy in an actual literal sense, but hey it might work!"?!?!? Ah no, never. Maybe in a parallel universe where Saul's a wrinkly old devout catholic and Brody is all lips and Carrie's the flesh-and-blood form of Archer, but not here, not now.

Why can't I stop watching this TV show?

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