Friday, December 7

Drinking Problem Solver, Festivus Edition

I will, one day in the future, go to jail. Not for holding up a convenience store so I can cart off a case of Combos without having to embarrass myself at Sam's Club, not for fighting (Noodle Arms Johnson would be my wrestling name, clearly not intimating at all), but for money. And not that white collar well-at-least-my-kids-will-have-tucked-some-away-for-their-future fun kind, either. The "Oops, taxes are a thing?" Oh shucks, Wesley Snipes! type. Can't add a tab, can't calculate tip without asking two people's help. I honest to God don't know my accountant's name or what the deal with taxes even is, but I most definitely will be writing off any and all cocktails I've consumed in the past two months, all in the name of this hefty 30 Best Holiday Drinks piece I did for Cole Haan + Refinery29.

Alright, alright, so I don't drink thaaaaaat much in the name of research, and when I do, it is most definitely not nog-based, but I've put so much time into rounding up New York's best bevvies that I almost feel like a bizarre clove-wine-allspice-ginger-applejack-brandy-tea-spiked-coffee expert. (And, also, homeless and crazy, because that's the only way you could pull off drinking this much liquor.)

This one was a labor or liquory love, so to see it finally up on the site in all of its boozy glory means winter is here. finally. FINALLY, people, FINALLY. I wrote this story while in multiple neighborhoods, multiple cities, multiple countries, multiple continents, even multiple realms — my flight to Iceland doubled as an intensive writing seminar — as well as during the middle of a super-storm hurricane. I almost feel like I'm giving birth to it, which is bittersweet, considering this is pretty much Fetal Alcohol Syndrome tied up in a bow.

If you're still not dying to hear about the cocktails I know more intimately than my extended family and some past boyfriends, let me just reiterate, specifically directionally challenged: It's a map. A MAP. With categories by NEIGHBORHOOD. And DRINK TYPE with HAND-PICKED COCKTAILS and A FULL DESCRIPTION of each place with AN OUTFIT you should wear, selected by FASHION GENIUSES:

Seriously, any gift I give anyone will not be as thought out as this, so stop asking and enjoy the frame I found under the bookshelf and re-wrapped just for you. Just be happy you got anything at all.

And, I suppose, take a looksie as well.

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