First off, I love you all of you. The tiny gems of weirdness and nuggets of discomfort that you plopped into that comments section are like golden droppings, and I will be addressing them in the next few days for the glorious bits of life that they are. I feel like I'm standing up and talking at a Weight Watchers meeting to a group of people who finally understand everything, like why I can't stop tripping over myself, answering the phone with a constant level of panic or eating the bodega salad that's actively giving me a stomachache. You are all insane, and I love you.
Second of all, I appreciate the one or two stories that were actually about me. You don't get a bonus entry for elementary school-style ass kissing, though I will do you a solid by not considering your entry null in void.
Lastly, I just wanted to let those of you who were agonizing about winning nail strips and artisanal bloody mary mix (because uh, clearly I would be too) know that no need to wait - we've got four winners! Chosen at random from a wonderful time-saving answer pickin' website, they are....
Reba - @JustLikeReba
Joanna - @Robotics
Monica M - @WolvesonFire
E-mail me at Carlye [at] AwkwardCity [dot] com to claim yo prize.
Thanks again to all you snuffaluffaguses that entered!