With our only similarities being flappy genitalia and brains smaller than men (kidding), us young, virile twentysomething girls can be broken up into endless numbers of segmented groups. But! If you ask a girl, any girl, who she thinks of as ultimate "dreamboat", our entire female cluster is instantly split apart into two even sections like a stale bodega Kind bar.
It goes like this: Some women dream of beefcakes. They ding a man on their mental checklist for not having defined abs, have dated at least one person they've met at a bar, and most likely were your sorority's social chair. Simply put: they like Channing Tatum enough to have seen Magic Mike twice.
The rest of us, though, the types who will cram into basement theaters filled with smooshy, crushed velvet to see what Kumail Nanjiani has to say, who think Paul Rudd is repeatedly shafted for People's Sexiest Man Of The Year — they're all about what someone does with the insides of the flesh sack they were awarded at birth. In other words: they like Michael Showalter enough to have seen The Baxter twice.
For that second slice of female pie, which I happily include myself in, I present to you: the definitive list of every cutie, crush and cameo actor whose name you've forgotten, penned by yours truly for Refinery29. And, because life (and Hollywood) is a beautiful, wonderful thing, I'm beyond pleased to shout from the rooftops that they're all gloriously and magically starring together on the second season of Ken Marino's ridicu-fabulous Bachelor parody, Burning Love.
How Adam Brody, Michael Cera, Martin Starr, Nick Thune and Adam Scott all lollygagged around in the same room and we weren't given some sort of pre-assigned push alert to our ladyparts, I'll never know. More bait to garner support for the government to insert chips in our bodies and track all of our movement? Possibly, but in terms of hierarchies of dreamy gentlemen, this is the only pool you need to pick from. From stand-up comedians to Leslie Knope's fiance and everyone in between, if these nerdzoids don't send your heart racing or have you at least going, "wait, Nick Kroll's, like, kind of attractive", then I give you.... this:
EW. And for the (saner) rest of us, I give you this list of veritable hotties, also known as your new, definitive list of nerd boyfriends. Tack it next to your bed, place it inside your diary, carry it with you at all times like a medical alert bracelet. And if you ever date any of these spectacular creatures, you are required by law to text me afterwards.
I'd try my hand at full-fledged matchmaking, but I can't be trusted around that much wedding cake.