Thursday, February 21

NYFW '13: All Of Your Wildest Most Terrible Dreams

I went deep in my rabbit holeian research expecting to find sartorial wonders like sweatshirts that looked like vinyl couches and maybe even a purse made out of a sand castle bucket (one can dream!) but instead, was faced with the vast majority of designers cooking up mild disasters of formalwear proportions. People put velvet tunics over pants and dresses over turtlenecks and God I don’t even know what’s going on, but if there’s one thing to ever push me towards the dark side — AKA investing in black clothing and wearing it all at once — it’s this maddening season.

Where are our leopard arm sweaters? And our fried egg tank tops? And most of all our LEOPARD ARM SWEATERS?!?!

While the lack of munchie-themed wonders pulsated at an all time high, the most terrorizing part of New York’s Fall ‘13 collections was that, for the most part, it was a trip down horrific memory lane. Everything trotted down those catwalks was a mix of your worst childhood nightmares, brought back to life.

There were a few wins — naturally, there’s nothing Jeremy Scott does that I’d ever shit on — but that's pretty much it. I’m heartbroken about where I’ll be able to find shorts that makes me look like a cornfield with legs this time around. All the lithe, dead-in-the-eyes models that came clacking down the runway either resembled a second grade teacher from the ‘60s, a stuffed animal or worse — a My Size Barbie-style pile of past prime fashion trends that have disappeared with reason. (Seriously,have you ever seen so many one-shouldered dresses since you were thirteen years old and running back and forth in one while playing Coke Pepsi?!)

Welcome to the nightmare forest, where everything you’ve woken up in the middle of the night panicking you'll be stuck in forever becomes a reality....Gird your legging-clad loins and get ready to kick this chronologically, because there’s going to be nothing new for us to wear come fall:

As Seen On your pre-preschool television circuit....A rainbow of muppies! Fashion Week was practically a furry convention, only with a more widespread and potentially weirder group of attendees. Seriously, Benny The Bull could have cartwheeled his way down the runway by the end of the week and no one would have batted an eye. You want to know how I know? Because the fur chronicles were so off the charts that there were too many humanuppets to include in this image. I had to cut the entirety of fur-lined sweaters, black-and-white plush boxing gloves and, oh yeah, Alexander Wang’s nonsensical fur arms which were clearly the clothing equivalent of this “Fuck you, Fuck you, You’re cool” middle finger-flickin’ scenario.

As a mega magpie who can usually be found in outerwear simply begging for a bucket of red paint, I’d usually be stoked about designers being all up on their Cruella DeVil shit, but the widespread popularity of ‘em on the runway meals that Crayola-dipped fauxs will be hanging off every H&M rack come September, not to mention the backs of most FIT students. There’s tolerance in this world for a few whackadoo furs here and there, but everywhere? Oh boy.

Kinda diggin’ that brown DKNY sweatercoat brought to you by Cheetos, though. But, maybe I’ve just been staring at this Sesame Street-style insanity for too long.

The tallest girl at private school, courtesy of Marc Jacobs. (Thoroughly unfortunate that the better you look in this, the worse giraffe name-calling memories it’ll bring back.) That straight-up school bus stylin’ Karen Walker jumper next to it is tot-tastic, too, but unless you’re Swedish or want to shame your boyfriend into faux-pdeophilac levels when the two of you hold hands, I’d recommend ponying up for her cracked out eyewear instead.

And if you’re wondering to yourself why those squarish pantaloons on the right were included as Pre-K clothing options, take a lookie loo down the leg. Gah! I haven’t seen embellished capris since the days when Limited Too was a direct niece to The Limited’s matronly work wares and sold preschool play duds like confetti-ankled leggings. Or, as my brother would likely describe, when they also had a playhouse in their store. Those were the days.

ACK! ACK! LAYERING ALERT! ACK! ACK! Excuse the fanatical nature, but this is as blasphemous as making a cookie sandwich out of Jesus wafers and ReddiWip from the back pews in church while the priest stares at you, aghast. ONLY A SADIST PUTS LINDSEY WIXSON IN VELVET ON VELVET TUNIC PANTS! MAKE IT STOP DIANE VONFURSTENBERG OH GOD. And that dastardly knit Derek Lam poncho that looks like it’s leftover from a Macy’s sale from back in 1998? I’ve seen semi-homeless hippies camping in muddy grass outside of Phish shows dressed better than this, and they buy all their clothes on the road. Corduroy patches. I’ll leave it at that.

Unsurprisingly, I’m deathly afraid of authority. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a total puss or because I once punched another girl in the face at day camp and have a very blurred, weird memory of it, but bosses, security guards, store managers — all serve as my own personal dementors. Cynthia Rowley’s “New York Fucking City” get-up is like a fear souvenir, in the "I got sent to the principal’s office for an inappropriate shirt and all I got was this makeshift flower sticker collage because the lost and found only had old jeans and an ASOS jacket in it" kind of way. Life’s hard out there for style criminals. And another terror on the opposite side of the authority spectrum? Patchwork jeans. Really, unless you have a gift card to Diesel or have ripped the crotch open and can’t afford to buy new jeans, you shouldn’t be dressing like a part-time employee at the mall on her day off. Wet Seal chic, y’all.

Pajama day, fuckers! Thanks to Marc-y Marc Jacobs, you can wile out with a pair of silken trousers in lieu of your typical cotton-drawstring edition with bunnies or toasters or puffy white clouds on them. Back when I was a kid, I wore Fred Flintstone slippers and they slayed on PJ day. Doesn’t really relate to any of this, just want to revel in the memory of the one day teachers actually liked me. And hey, speaking of teacher’s pets, Ostwald Helgason’s Baudelaire sweatshirt is the best way to kiss your teacher’s ass while staying more on trend than your English class archnemesis. Also, it’s a cure all — you may have forgotten your homework assignment and can't participate in the classroom discussion on “Lord of The Flies” chapters 5-8, but you can’t really be bothered with literary Survivor when you’re up to your ears studying French Symbolist poets in your spare time.

Chloe Sevigny and Alex Wang’s inspirations came from adolescent fuck-you’s and boxing (respectively), but methinks their deep thoughts actually came from those athletic pants the gym attendant could lend you if you got locked out of your locker and they couldn’t find the custodian by the end of passing period. You thought those authority-doled pantaloons would be the worst athletic outfit you’d sport? Take a look at those dumpy grey sweats straight out of Star Wars-themed home movies of your supremely boring childhood. Those days of sexy Alexander Wang boxing shorts and bondage-y sports bras are over, son.

Oh, and your bad Adidas days? Yeah, those are back too.

At some point, every teenage girl comes down with a case of the “I think I’m sweating too much and nervous that my arms are fat so I’ll leave my coat on all night and no one will notice, right?” crazies, which is exactly what Marchesa was thinking with that jacketed look. Only problem is, if the high end version looks terrible, our felted peacoat-over-purple gown business must have been psychotically worse. Highly thankful that none of us had Facebook ‘round the time I went to senior prom, though the only thing worse than a runway look perfectly emulating underage formal event anxieties is forgetting to hem a dress that your soccer player date is now stepping all over. Whoops.

You know that saying, that something’s a promise of good things to come? This Creatures of The Wind number is the exact opposite of that. Just when you think you’ve finally become the kind of woman who buys toilet paper before she's left with just Kleenex or washes her dishes immediately instead of letting them pile up on the counter (?!), rest assured, this season was a reminder. Of what, exactly? That the rest of your life will be spent reliving the emotional toll of wearing a dress shaped exactly like it was purchased by a relative for a holiday present. For which there is no gift receipt. And you’ll be required to wear next Mother’s Day, and subsequently be stuck with it forever.

But, if both your parents worked, trusted you to be alone or had you get a real job before the age of 21, you probably had a rebellious phase that woulda been prime for that black-on-black-on-black lace Monique Lhuillier dress. Go on with your bad self, goth girl. You’re completely right — no one gets you.

Or, your authority-hating teenage phase. NYFW: It’s like the circle of life!

This season taught us two things: there’s no good celebrity stalking ‘cause famous people are demanding too much money to sit in front row, and that hair is overrated. Why use what your momma gave you when you can buy a weird ass hat with her money to hide it? Sure, they’re floppy and borderline creepy and a welcomed coverup for any neon dye job you gave yourself while your guardian was running errands at Marshalls, but it’s still somewhat sexy, right? Here are a few helpful pick-up lines for the gentlemen how not to go home empty-handed when we’re eventually all walking around like we’ve got contraband as well as cookies hidden atop our scalps:

- “Hey girl, I know it looks like you got the plague, but I’m diggin’ your creepy peasant hat”
- “Whatchu got in there, a parrot?”
- “Your getup’s got you lookin' like you're a corpse. Where you from?
- “Are you homeless? ‘Cuz if that bindle hat’s all you got, you can always come home with me for the night.”

Or, my personal favorite:

“The thimble’s always been my favorite Monopoly piece, but I didn’t realize it looked so sexy in person”

(Board game jokes will always seal the deal.)

Also known as “things you bought when you learned the term “Investment piece” but didn’t quite understand what it meant. (Ya know, the ones that’ll hide in the back of your closet where you never have to confront them.)

1. You will spend $385 on this Diane VonFurstenburg jumpsuit and wear it to brunch once, and you’ll hover over the chair at Westville the whole time because you're scared you're sweating through your back and leaving a sweaty thong outline, which you are. But hey, just wear it with a hat, just go for it. Grab a tiny dog, and you’re instantly your own worst nightmare. And lucky you, it also comes in red!

2. “Is this too much?” “Nope.” “Is this too much?” “Nope” — Kate Spade’s visual representation of the only downfall of having a female roommate.

3. A depiction of exact woman you pictured you’d turn into when you found out you too would one day become an adult. Oh, Carolina Herrera, you crazy. The only woman who could wear this is one that floats, practically making it a trap for those of us who weren’t blessed with coordination and cleanliness.I couldn’t go outside without stepping halfway in a watery pile of dog dodoo and destroying the fur on this school marmy skirt, so thanks for the reminder. The adult you always dreamed you’d never be! So close, so far.

And last but not least, my one look I truly loved from New York Fashion Week:

The duo behind Costello Tagliapietra. Now this, I would wear in a heartbeat.

All photos borrowed from I'll give 'em back eventually, I promise.



SO MANY LOL MOMENTS. But I really lost it at "Your bad Adidas Days"...I was the EPITOME Of bad ADIDAS DAYS! I wore my Atrack pants, Adidas sneakers, a matching bandana, pigtail braids, and CHOLA lipstick. Did I mention this all happened in 4th fucking grade?!?!?! LOL. Girl you are SUCH A SHARP WRITER. You've got "it".


Carlye Wisel said...

Thanks Brittany!! Checked out your blog too, and it's pheNoMeNaL. Uhhhh can I borrow everything you two own? KTHANKS.

Katja said...

brilliant! not everything presented on runways is gold and I love it how you pointed that out!

Devon - InformedStyle said...

Love the fun take on Fashion Week...and I hear ya on sitting oddly in chairs during the warm months to try and avoid the sweat issue...never seems to work though...


Anne M Bray said...

Hahahahaha. This is the best. I am so glad you made it onto IFB's LalM list.
Adding you to my Reader STAT.

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