Where are our leopard arm sweaters? And our fried egg tank tops? And most of all our LEOPARD ARM SWEATERS?!?!
While the lack of munchie-themed wonders pulsated at an all time high, the most terrorizing part of New York’s Fall ‘13 collections was that, for the most part, it was a trip down horrific memory lane. Everything trotted down those catwalks was a mix of your worst childhood nightmares, brought back to life.
There were a few wins — naturally, there’s nothing Jeremy Scott does that I’d ever shit on — but that's pretty much it. I’m heartbroken about where I’ll be able to find shorts that makes me look like a cornfield with legs this time around. All the lithe, dead-in-the-eyes models that came clacking down the runway either resembled a second grade teacher from the ‘60s, a stuffed animal or worse — a My Size Barbie-style pile of past prime fashion trends that have disappeared with reason. (Seriously,have you ever seen so many one-shouldered dresses since you were thirteen years old and running back and forth in one while playing Coke Pepsi?!)
Welcome to the nightmare forest, where everything you’ve woken up in the middle of the night panicking you'll be stuck in forever becomes a reality....Gird your legging-clad loins and get ready to kick this chronologically, because there’s going to be nothing new for us to wear come fall:
As Seen On your pre-preschool television circuit....A rainbow of muppies! Fashion Week was practically a furry convention, only with a more widespread and potentially weirder group of attendees. Seriously, Benny The Bull could have cartwheeled his way down the runway by the end of the week and no one would have batted an eye. You want to know how I know? Because the fur chronicles were so off the charts that there were too many humanuppets to include in this image. I had to cut the entirety of fur-lined sweaters, black-and-white plush boxing gloves and, oh yeah, Alexander Wang’s nonsensical fur arms which were clearly the clothing equivalent of this “Fuck you, Fuck you, You’re cool” middle finger-flickin’ scenario.
As a mega magpie who can usually be found in outerwear simply begging for a bucket of red paint, I’d usually be stoked about designers being all up on their Cruella DeVil shit, but the widespread popularity of ‘em on the runway meals that Crayola-dipped fauxs will be hanging off every H&M rack come September, not to mention the backs of most FIT students. There’s tolerance in this world for a few whackadoo furs here and there, but everywhere? Oh boy.
Kinda diggin’ that brown DKNY sweatercoat brought to you by Cheetos, though. But, maybe I’ve just been staring at this Sesame Street-style insanity for too long.
And if you’re wondering to yourself why those squarish pantaloons on the right were included as Pre-K clothing options, take a lookie loo down the leg. Gah! I haven’t seen embellished capris since the days when Limited Too was a direct niece to The Limited’s matronly work wares and sold preschool play duds like confetti-ankled leggings. Or, as my brother would likely describe, when they also had a playhouse in their store. Those were the days.
Oh, and your bad Adidas days? Yeah, those are back too.
But, if both your parents worked, trusted you to be alone or had you get a real job before the age of 21, you probably had a rebellious phase that woulda been prime for that black-on-black-on-black lace Monique Lhuillier dress. Go on with your bad self, goth girl. You’re completely right — no one gets you.
Or, your authority-hating teenage phase. NYFW: It’s like the circle of life!
This season taught us two things: there’s no good celebrity stalking ‘cause famous people are demanding too much money to sit in front row, and that hair is overrated. Why use what your momma gave you when you can buy a weird ass hat with her money to hide it? Sure, they’re floppy and borderline creepy and a welcomed coverup for any neon dye job you gave yourself while your guardian was running errands at Marshalls, but it’s still somewhat sexy, right? Here are a few helpful pick-up lines for the gentlemen how not to go home empty-handed when we’re eventually all walking around like we’ve got contraband as well as cookies hidden atop our scalps:
- “Hey girl, I know it looks like you got the plague, but I’m diggin’ your creepy peasant hat”
- “Whatchu got in there, a parrot?”
- “Your getup’s got you lookin' like you're a corpse. Where you from?
- “Are you homeless? ‘Cuz if that bindle hat’s all you got, you can always come home with me for the night.”
Or, my personal favorite:
“The thimble’s always been my favorite Monopoly piece, but I didn’t realize it looked so sexy in person”
(Board game jokes will always seal the deal.)
1. You will spend $385 on this Diane VonFurstenburg jumpsuit and wear it to brunch once, and you’ll hover over the chair at Westville the whole time because you're scared you're sweating through your back and leaving a sweaty thong outline, which you are. But hey, just wear it with a hat, just go for it. Grab a tiny dog, and you’re instantly your own worst nightmare. And lucky you, it also comes in red!
2. “Is this too much?” “Nope.” “Is this too much?” “Nope” — Kate Spade’s visual representation of the only downfall of having a female roommate.
3. A depiction of exact woman you pictured you’d turn into when you found out you too would one day become an adult. Oh, Carolina Herrera, you crazy. The only woman who could wear this is one that floats, practically making it a trap for those of us who weren’t blessed with coordination and cleanliness.I couldn’t go outside without stepping halfway in a watery pile of dog dodoo and destroying the fur on this school marmy skirt, so thanks for the reminder. The adult you always dreamed you’d never be! So close, so far.
And last but not least, my one look I truly loved from New York Fashion Week:
The duo behind Costello Tagliapietra. Now this, I would wear in a heartbeat.
All photos borrowed from Style.com. I'll give 'em back eventually, I promise.