Wednesday, February 27

An Infinity Pool Of Endless Heartbreak

As many have said (and Dan Savage reinforced quite eloquently), you absolutely cannot break up with someone between the months of November and February. Don't follow? Here's the rundown. You don’t dump a significant other right before all the hometown pressure of Thanksgiving, you can't cut your boyfriend loose right before the family down time of Christmas, you can't set him or her free right before the kiss-obsessed New Year's Eve, and you definitely can't pull the hatchet on your girlfriend right before the psychotically intense Valentine's Day.

...If you have feelings, that is.

There's a small window between NYE and February 14th that's prime for plug-pulling, but that also means the tickets and dinner and booze buckets and champagne bottles you bought at the turn of the year will have been knowingly wasteful. But, an open bar wristband is a small price to pay after six to eight long weeks of dying to be set free, and years better than the other non-option: early December. Since the family holidays often require a plane ticket and joint investments on presents (and, if you're a classy broad, a hotel room), you're seriously fucking up your former lover's bank account as well as turning an entire family against you if you do it between the holidays and the end-of-years.

(Which, because I am a terrible person, I have done. A regular ol' Diane Lane!)

But, the universe isn’t full of truthseekers like me who are completely incapable of lying to other people and want to bolt the second the idea pops into their head. The sweet, the good, the heartfelt people of the world typically wait until a week after Valentine's Day to do their peace-out-fuck-yous-I-was-faking-it-anywayses. Which, sadly enough, has brought us to this week’s news of this:




And this:



And, most surprisingly, this:


What? What?! What are you doing in there, January Jones? First you tear Bobby Flay's Fage yogurt-glued family bond up, now you're stealing away Miley Cyrus' man? Granted, her birth canal’s entrants and exiting patrons are my favorite topic of celebrity craziness, but not like this. Just do us a favor you crazy ol’ hoot and think deeply about the repercussions of coming between their engagement...and then just tell us who your baby daddy is once that moment passes. C'mon! We've been waiting for so looooooooong. That’s really all we care about in this world, Betty Draper.

Also, those pants don’t work on you.

Also, you’re twelve years older than him.

Okay, that’s all we care about. Now, we’ll leave it to Miley to kick your ass.

2 comments:

Cate Young said...

MyLiam broke up?!?!? I recently decided that Miley is actually a pretty cool person and that I like her so this upsets me. Although she was way too young to get married so there's that I guess...

Carlye Wisel said...

Right?! I'm not-so-secretly obsessed with her style. I know, i know, some of it is AWFUL, but her everyday clothes are kind of exactly what I'd want to wear if I lived in California and wanted to feel like a modern day hippie-slob. So glad to hear I'm not the only one!

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