Monday, March 4

girlsGIRLSgirls: Short-Sighted Gals And A Case Of The Never-Evers

This episode is a fucking bowl of nuts and I'm separating the Marnie cashews and Hannah almonds like I'm in charge of catering at an arena and the band playing are psychos about what can and cannot be mixed. Or, one might say, OCD. Topical humor!

I'm not going to get into a multi-paragraph rant about it like I did the first and second weeks of the season, but Hannah and Marnie and Shoshanna really fucked up. Do they not realize the crop of wonderful men they had around them? It's the classic twenties paradox — you say you want everything an adult has, but don't do anything to get there.

In terms of dating, I think this is something younger women accidentally tend to do. Since we haven't lived the majority of our lives yet, a lot of ladies in the dating world date for the now — who's successful now, who's on the right track now, who's fancy now — forgetting that those envious 35-year-old couples with their expensive wardrobes and "apartment tours" on fashion websites weren't always that way. They used to sleep on mattresses on floors; they used to walk to dive bars on the weekend and wear down the soles of their $40 boots. Ambition matters more than success, compatibility more than status, and the unforeseen is wildly more relevant than the present. It's why Hannah never appreciated Adam for the wonder that he is, Marnie is a maniac to regret letting a now-successful Charlie go when his touch made her physically ill, and Shoshanna is throwing away her one chance at first love. All three wildly different scenarios, but all three things you should never, ever do under any circumstance.

Which brings us to today's topic at hand: The Never-Evers. This episode was filled with a number of things you should never, ever do — or, quite simply, things that never, ever happen. While I'd typically include calling a girl whose mom passed you her number as a "WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T DON'T DON'T DO IT", it's clearly working out for Adam...this week. We'll put a pin in that one and see how it works out. (I've seen my grandmother and mother's versions of this nearly play out with every waiter at StirCrazy back in Chicago. They're almost always seventeen and look like Justin Bieber wannabes who will end up getting someone pregnant that they lifeguard with and bald twenty years sooner than they should. It never works. Never.) But, for the Rays, the Hannahs and the sad ol' Marnies, here's a bucket full of don't-you-evah's for the ages:

Ooooooh, boy Hannah. My female bodily organs as well as Jennifer Lawrence's awareness-centric Silver Lining Playbook interviews are suffocating my natural urge to say, "So Hannah's like crazy-crazy now!?", but I think we're all equally confused by what turn her mental health made, so we can just leave it at that. She's a completely different person in every episode, which I used to think could be chalked up to plot contingency errors, but maybe it's just the crazies. Oh, sorry J. Law — a chemical imbalance in her brain spectrum. Doesn't matter, there's enough other stuff to tear her down for:

Never ever falter in the House of God. Hannah fucked up The Carlyle. THE CARLYLE. It's the most wonderful place on earth, and she couldn't keep her crazy contained inside its Bemelman-painted walls for an hour. Regardless of the ticks and the homeless hair and a case of the can't-sit-stills, she really has no appreciation for how cool her parents are, especially for being out-of-towners. Not only could they find The Carlyle themselves and get there on time, tickets for celebrity-performed shows at Cafe Carlyle sell out quick, and are also insanely expensive. You gotta be savvy on multiple fronts to lock those down. Also, if someone's treating you to a night at The Carlyle and you're not dating them, you need to treat them like you're their escort, regardless of if its a blood relative, employer, best friend or resident creep who's actually trying to make you his escort. The cocktails are divine, it's just one night, you'll tough it out, you'll be fine. Respect the person who's bankrolling this joint.

Never ever take your parents on the "G" Train. Now that I'm halfway to my thirties and can afford to dump out a percentage of my banking account to waste on cabs, I don't touch the G Train. I served my eight-month sentence while living in Williamsburg, and don't think I deserve to live through its flashing lights, shuttery ride and shitty service ever again. And, if you're thinking, "But it's like, a $40 cab ride back!", false-o, friend. The UES is surprisingly one of the easiest places to get back to Greenpoint from — take the Queensboro bridge off of 59th to the Pulaski. Cheap, quick, and makes you feel like you're in The Californians. Bing bang boom.

Good god, Marnie. I hate to say it, but it is somewhat gratifying to see Charlie's success, regardless of how nightmarish that techy colorful office with its glasses-clad terror squad was. Marnie's forever been chasing the wrong thing — the wrong boyfriend, and apparently the wrong career — so Charlie's life success should only make her spin out of control even more. Also, for those who didn't notice, Allison Williams' boyfriend Ricky Van Veen actually did have a web entity purchased by an insanely rich man who owns a drop-dead gorgeous office building in Chelsea, so, funny how that one worked out. Life rewards those who don't wear pigtails after age twenty, 'spose. Here's why:

Never, ever show up to a romantic interest's office in jazz pants. Let me rephrase: don't you ever surprise a current or former boyfriend in their place of business in raggy, stretchy bell bottoms that could be easily mistaken for too-long dance pants, complete with a pair of baggy pigtails. Your only excuse for dressing like this in an office arena is if you are one of those people who near-dies whenever you have your period, or if you are en route to get an abortion. (If you have stomach flu, go the fuck home. It's mean to be out germing up the world.) That's it. That's literally it. Also, Chelsea is near nothing unless you live in Chelsea or prefer shopping in the city's shittiest Whole Foods. No one's buying it.

Never, ever pursue a career in music. It's like quitting your job because your life's passion is breathing and you're really going to focus on your start-up business in walking. Most everyone can do it and likes doing it, and no one pays real money for it. Why do you think Karaoke is a thing that people spend their hard-earned income on? And holy christ, art and singing?! Why did you even go to college? You could have just made paper Lincoln Logs out of the rolls of $100s your parents spent on college tuition, built an entire tiny log cabin town and burned it down, since it proved to be a complete waste anyway.

Never, ever drink bubble tea. It's not a food, it's not a drink, and it's basically a punched-up version of Orbitz that I don't understand. Also, I'm convinced those balls are cancerous. Convinced!

So in love. So clueless. So old. So young. So very bad taste in doormen. So many mini-burgers that should not be eaten. So much drama to come:

Never, ever inhabit someone else's space without them there. Ray being home alone in Shosh's apartment while she's out? Kiss of death. If you are ever waiting in someone else's apartment for them to come home, you should expect that they're cheating on you. It not only shows that you are unable to meet their needs, but it raises two very important questions: "Why are you not with them?" and "Why aren't you at your own place?" There is no positive answer that will come out of those responses, both of which will likely expose your relationship's biggest flaw. Even if you're a gent and it's "Because I'm fixing something of hers while she's out with her friends," then you are insanely whipped and she values her time more than yours. Nothing good can come of this. Trust me on this one.

Never, ever trust a Manhattan party that has White Castle for snacks. A party in Brooklyn where someone walks in with two sacks like a boss? Perfection. A college fiesta in lower Manhattan with clammy beef sammiches? NO. The only White Castle in Manhattan is at 37th street and 8th Avenue — an eternity away from NYU — meaning that those sliders are very cold and very preordained. What kind of person heads all the way to Garment District No Man's Land to pick up a Crave Case of tiny burgers, knowing they'll be served at room temperature with cold, soggy Chicken Rings all night? That shit is meant to be eaten hot and freshly served, or microwave-defrosted by a very high eighteen-year-old, not soggy and old like a homeless person. It's sad to see so much good in this world go to waste.

Girls Season 2, Episode 8: It's Back
Best Line: "You are never going to look this good again. The clay has dried, OK? You can't dress like a magician's assistant for very much longer."
Best Mate: Adam Driver, the actor. I watched this episode twice and it didn't hit me 'til way after that this entire persona, this multi-dimensional, quirky person was once just a handful of lines on a sheet of paper,Now, it's a living, breathing thing, delivering unbelievable monologues at AA meetings. And it's kind of incredible.
What Kind Of A-Hole Was Hannah This Week?: A Mentally Unstable One. The weird part is that Adam's car accident and subsequent dependence didn't bring back the OCD, nor did her Sandy breakup, cocaine fun times, Marnie move-out drama, Elijah arguments or Jessa runaway trains. It was her work, actually sitting down and drafting her dream that brought back the OCD. The one thing she claims to actually want to do. Veeery interesting.
I Give This... 3 out of 4 bathtub snax. I'd stick it at two for the weird doorman love connection and Marnie's horrifically cliche career path, but the incredible acting, down to everything Shoshanna said in that park paired with Adam's entire life right now, makes this show worth watching.

Earlier Ladyshow Nonsense:
Girls Season 2, Episode 7: Video Games
Girls Season 2, Episode 6: Boys
Girls Season 2, Episode 5: One Man's Trash
Girls Season 2, Episode 4: It's A Shame About Ray
Girls Season 2, Episode 3: Bad Friend
Girls Season 2, Episode 2: I Get Ideas
Girls Season 2, Episode 1: It's About Time


Chelsea said...

caught up on the episode and IMMMMEDIATELY ran here to read your recap, lovely again!

Carlye Wisel said...

Thanks girl! Hope it lived up to your expectatatatatations!

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