Guys, most of you have been with me for a while, and for that time, I've repeatedly established that I'm an expert on a few things: Overeating once I have two ounces of liquor in me. Spending all my money on medium and large-sized coffees and never actually finishing them. Accosting Jon Hamm. These are my character strong suits, and god damn it if I can't help the gifts destiny hath blessed me with.
But, everything else in life? Well, I've pretty much had to learn those: Forcing myself to do athletics. Consistently fitting into my closet full of tight waistbands. Scheduling eyebrow appointments before I look like I just got back from an overnighter in the woods.
Unsurprisingly, I am terrible at the lot of these. But, while some of my learned skills have given me grief over not beholding perfect face arches or being able to fit in my dream pants (god damn you, brown tie-dyed jeans YOUR DAY WILL COME), my recent acquired skill comes your way in edible form, thanks to a resto roundup I did for those pretty ladies over at Refinery29.
After much (much, much, much) research, I've finally mastered The Definitive Guide To New York's Best Chinese Restaurants from here to fuckin' Flushing, all ready and ripe for the taking. (Please insert ripe-plum wine joke here on my behalf, since I have hand cramps from typing too much.)
From soupy dumplings to fresh, light takes on Yunnan cuisine and everything in between, this list's got it. Literally. (I even tossed my cred out the window to recommend a place for General Tso's Chicken because anyone who dogs on childhood favorites has lost their moral compass.)
So, consider this your one-stop short list to nab a perfect salty and saucy meal, all in one convenient scrollable internet home that doesn't require a Seamless stress-fest over ordering from high-ranking restaurants and always getting those gross brown bits of chicken instead of real meat. (Pro tip: All of the chinese and japanese reviews are from bots. Don't believe the FivE-StAr HyPe.)
And hey, you know what? After pouring through the whole lot of them, I think I can finally add this to my viable skill set, too. Check the whole shebang out, and please excuse me at this current time, for I have to replace "vintage clothing" in my resume's interest section with "chronicling NYC's best MSG-laden dishes", um, immediately.