Monday, April 22

Mad Men, Awkward City-Style: To Have And To Hold

Welcome to the Heinz Ketchup Battlepalooza! Which, frankly, I could care less about. I'm not watching this show to provide advertising commentary, or to analyze the implications of Dawn punching a time card way back when, or even to break down Don's shitty, highly ambiguous morals when it comes to sticking his dick in whatever warm hole he can find.

I actually did find it really interesting how this episode's dialogue and plot lines seemed to mirror the essence and plot of a soap opera — but it's 8 in the morning and I got a supreme court to jet to, so we're just gonna focus on the things I actually care about. Namely, cocktail rings, oversized babies and similar pot-smoking shenanigans:

Timeliness and fully justified "don't you know who i am?"s aside,how Reese Witherspoon-y was Joan's sister? You almost expect her to get wrongfully terminated for a more-attractive blonde, stay put in New York, go to school and get revenge at them while working at Avon or something like that, etcetera, Prada shoes and the like. Alright, so I'm clearly not going to be penning the script for Holloway Out Of Here considering a '60s version of Legally Blonde is as pointless as having Boardwalk Empire set in Seattle in the '90s, but I think I'm just personally offended that Joan's wanker of a mom talked the two out of dinner at Le Cirque. That pot roast may be good, but Le Cirque's got a fucking chocolate oven for dessert. A chocolate oven. and you never pass that shit up.

Things that are gross, in increasing order: Having a work meeting in Pete's sex dungeon, the Heinz Ketchup guy sucking off his wedding ring before dinner, Pete offering Don his pied-a-tierre as though he woudln't be schtupping hotties within a tighter radius, the actual possibility of the Heinz guy hitting on someone and using the phrases "ketchup money" or "I've got 57 ideas for you..." to woo them.

YOU STOPPED THE ELEVATOR, DON DRAPER?! What is wrong with you? I can't deal with this. That's how you fucking die, playing smoochies in the elevator while fucking with its main function. If you can't stop a train when someone is shitting on the bench, you dont stop an elevator just to lick the inside of someone's mouth with yours. I can't wait for closed-circuit cameras to be invented and totally fuck your life up.

Beep Beep, Accessories Update, Beep Beep: Judging from how many side characters on the show are doing it, double cocktail rings clearly had some moment at this point in time, but my god, does it look trashy. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who lives in an era of printed crop tops and flower crowns, too. We're currently dressing like we're all unicorns who cross-hybrided with Katy Perry's closet, and it ain't gonna look pretty in a few years from now.

Oh, because that's definitely the most nondescript way to enter a private closet, Stan. Wearing fringe while trying to do something on the DL is like hanging a windchime on the porch of a home you dont want to draw any attention to. Dummy.


Stink-eye was at an all-time high in this episode, which I find to be amazing. I've never been able to pull that off, to simply shoot a co-worker a "don't fuck with me" side-of-eye look before going in a closet, getting baked, and then drinking at my desk. Yeah, it's kind of weird when you put it that way, ain't it.

"You're perfect." Oh, Megan. You are so fucked. I really hope she doesn't go away because she's got one of the best wardrobes on the show — second only to Harry Crane's borderline-slutty assistant Scarlette with her amazing mod Halloween costumes.

When did Harry Crane become such a pimp? And yes, I mean pimp — defending his ladies, demanding more money and bitching until he's moved up the ranks? Add to it that he put Joan on blast for taking one in the vag for the team and it's kind of impressive how well he'd do on the streets.

This is the first television portrayal I can think of with morning-after makeup, and it's kind of amazing.

If Megan plays a maid, why is her dressing room full of fancy clothes? Either she's been given an (incredibly dope) wardrobe storage closet to get primped in, or she's clearly going to have a fleshed-out story line, right? (No sex scene pun intended.) That clear raincoat on the hook when they first show her lil' pad? UNREAL.

Why are there so many commercials for fast food during these episodes? $1.29 whoppers, really? Doesn't this incredibly boring show about white people being crazy to each other draw a more affluent audience than that?

All I have to say about this Joe Namath bidness is that the last variety show I remember seeing on prime time was that of The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour. And, well, we all know how that one ended: with the guy from Malcolm in The Middle buying their house. Oh right, and divorce.

Uh, was this restaurant equivalent to Dream Phone or am I just hallucinating about what Facebook could be like if it was invented 15 years earlier?

That hippy bar where Joan gets mouth-molested at is totally the former-day version of Glasslands. Discuss.

HOT DAMN THAT BABY GOT BIG. What did Joan give birth to, a fat seven year old? Holy christ.

Hold up — do they only use the same hotel room all the time for these meetings? How do you even get the same hotel room? Isn't it taken? Do they all look the same? I may be looking too deep into this.

NO NOT LIKE THAT, MEGAN. They want to get to you know, four pigs-in-a-blanket style.NOW WE HAVE TO EAT CAKE WITH THESE PEOPLE?! is the only verbal response that could have made sense, but I'll throw you a bone for being purdy close to that one on your own.


This week's lesson in "Who The Fuck": is that assistant Meredith? I don't know if they've given her screen time before and I've missed her, but I never will again. I adore her, down to those hilarious bows. If she existed now-a-days, would she wear exclusively knockoff Tory Burch because she thought it was real? Methinks and hopes so. Good god I love an airhead.

Trillest Of The Week: Harry Crane. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lay down the law in a Zen palace?! He had to storm in, pause, slip off his shoes, tear his bosses a new asshole after they handed him a bonus the size of his yearly salary, then slip his shoes back on and storm out. Incredible.

Actual transcription of "On The Next Episode of AMC's Mad Men":
"I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" "I thought it would solve the whole thing." "I don't know why I'm so surprised." "Forget about her." "Don't do anything stupid." "Everything's fine." "You can't avoid it forever." "That's disgusting." "And I sure as hell didn't arrange this." "Sigh."

Previous Instances Of Me Ranting About This Old-School Show:
Season 6, Episodes 3: The Collaborators
Season 6, Episodes 1 and 2: The Doorway

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