Tuesday, August 13

All Of The Things I Want To Wear This Fall But Can't Because I'll Look Like I'm Sixteen Years Old

Let me just set this straight: I really want to wear a pastry bracelet. I'd kill a rat to be able to pull off a cupcake sweatshirt. Fuck, I'd even apologize to a high-school archnemesis to pull off crustpunk '90s flatforms on the reg. I want to wear all of these colorful, bizarre things — I really, really want to, but the problem is I'll look like a high schooler who spent their lifeguarding paycheck on a bunch of weird food clothes instead of real, worthwhile objects, like APC sweatshirts and leather totes and other half-vestment pieces women of *my twentysomething age* should be buying.

Bottom line? I can't dress myself for shit, and teenagers have it so good these days. SO GOOD. Our fashion options were limited to, well, Limited Too and whatever else you might be able to find on a sale rack at Nordstrom's BP section. Truth be told, as much as my ladybrain hates to admit it: I'm bitter that I can't pull any of this stuff off. But god, I wish I could. A here's a little ditty on why:

Lips clutch. Now, in my mind, this is a total preppy girl home run. You put on a feminine dress — I don't know, maybe a peplum if you're feeling daring — grab a mouthclutch and instantly become the quirky friend in your group, praised for being so "fun!" and "inventive!". Only problem is, if I carry it, I'm going to look like a tourist in from Iowa who picked up a purse on Canal street and can't wait to explore the big city with her new weird questionable plastic labia bag. Long story short: I make kitschy things look cheap. Charlotte Olympia dreams, Aeropostale realities, I s'pose. (by Lulu Guinness, $416 at ASOS)

Pizza Backpack. Considering I worry actively about paying my American Express bill on time and in full, no, I cannot have a clearly-for-library-books-and-assorted-classroom-folders backpack, and no, I definitely cannot have one covered in pizza slices. I can barely even eat pizza because when you pass the benchmark of being 25, you instantly stop being able to digest something, and mine came by way of cheese on bread sans lactaid. I still want this — I want this very much — but must attempt to resist.($69 at Sweet Lord O'Mighty)

Rainbow boots. Things I left behind in the sixth grade: my tonsils, being sixty pounds overweight, an obsession with Hanson and the ability to pull of rainbow wedges. I would wear these in a heartbeat if it was at all possible to pull them off, but by grace of black skirt or torn black jeans — also, things I don't own since my entire closet is odd vintage sofa-esque patterns — I still can't figure out how to style these fuckers correctly. Cherry on the shit sundae: how easily Cara Delevingne could make these happen. (You know it.) ($43 at ASOS)

Astronaut skirt. When saddlebags turn from something your mother talks about to something that surprises you in the mirror one day, you officially can't dress like a one-woman testament to Space Camp. Also, have you seen the trailer clip for Gravity?! Try not to vomit on yourself. Hey, good thing you're not wearing a fresh new skirt, right? ($34 at ShopJeen)

Striped arm sweater. Can I dress like a character from Aaahh, Real Monsters!!! at a full-time job? Probably not. Am I going to try anyway? Yessssss. ($65 at ASOS)

Doughnut bangle. This one bites double, because I can barely justify the costs-more-than-a-pile-of-cronuts price tag, and it'll look like I scored big from either a Claire's Accessories or a young cousin's birthday party piƱata. ($78 at Kate Spade)

Glitter heels. Remember when your mom would drop you off at the mall with your allowance and you'd come home with a bag of wonderful junk from Wet Seal? These shoes are that. Only a thousand times more expensive. ($350 at Kate Spade)

Pizza Slut tee. If you've eaten a calcium chew and it wasn't because you accidentally mistook it for chocolate, then you are too old for this shirt. I am very much talking to myself right now. ($48 at ShopJeen)

Cupcake sweatshirt. On someone else? Hilarity in a glance. On me? Like a Cathy cartoon waiting to happen. Best part? The only size sold out is a...small. ($75 on ShopJeen)

Tie-dye dress. Ok, so it's no fucking secret that I'm a Phish fan, and in my head, this would be the perfect thing to wear to a show: on-brand, re-wearable for regular life and breezy for dancing along to "Tweezer", yet stylish enough where you can look put together even if your hair hasn't been washed in days and you're so dehydrated that a $5 bottle of water sounds like an oral oasis. But, for some reason — hemline? probably that vag-skimming hemline — this one just doesn't work for me at this point in my life. I think once you have three friends who are pregnant and none of their spawns are considered mistakes, you can no longer buy dresses with a print that you created yourself at day camp. Unfortunately. ($88 at Urban Outfitters)

1 comment:

Caitlin said...

i have that dress :/

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