Wednesday, September 25

The Long Tweet: Death By Delicious Dairy

This is so true to my life in so many ways that it almost explains why I'm hardwired to eat absolutely anything besides a food form that is inexplicably, unreasonably delicious. (That, or an noteworthy episode of Seinfeld.)

I wish I could enjoy a frozen treat like a regular girl — vanilla soft serve topped with cookie crumbles and a hefty dose of hate-yourself guilt, duh — but of course, I had to be reminded that it'll kill me in more ways than a swift cardiac one.

True, I bring the you're-totally-gonna-die-of-disease commentary upon myself, but it's not my personal fault I'm a magnet for it. I was raised by a much-loved neurotic who was in turn raised by a woman who has invited our family dermatologist to consecutive family parties, so it's pretty much second nature to panic before reasoning. What, you're not on first-name terms with your mole-checking professional and his wife? Maybe you're the weird one. No, no, I am most definitely the weird one, because I'm riddled with fear over my metropolitan surroundings slowly killing me and shifting the entirety of my cell structures until I one day cease to exist.

Sadly, that's just the reaction to afternoon snacks. It's not singlehandedly chemically-flavored frozen yogurt that's driven me up a worrywart wall, either. It's so many things. So many that I couldn't remember them all at once and even had to revisit this lineup twice. If it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger, sure — but somehow, that strength still has not allowed me to overcome never-ending panic about cell phone waves and microwave radiation and overheated plastic package liners. I'm kind of like a doomsday prepper, only lacking the resourcefulness and responsibility necessary to do anything beyond sitting and dreading the day aliens yielding ray guns and space bombs take a vacation to planet Earth.

Behold, a sampling of things I'm worried, convinced and afraid will give me cancer. From breakfast foods to (Oddly, "incessant panicking" is not on this list.)

Sunscreen (especially Neutrogena. Total mindfuck, right?)
Frozen meals
Soy Sauce
Non-organic vegetables
Non-organic fruits
Organic vegetables and fruits (I know, it's a circle of crazy)
Fake sugar packets
Those new airport security scanners
Scanners and printers in general
All fast food
Cell phones (if the tumors don't kill you first)
Flavored syrups
Sugary gum
Probably all gum, who am I kidding
Kind Bars (Q: What keeps them stuck together?! A: Cancer.)
Car exhaust
Hospitals (Cancer gives cancer, a sub-thread of disease for sure)
Too many over-the-counter medicines
Birth control (Which my matriarchs seem utterly convinced of, while I do not)
Shoes made in factories that when you open the box smell all plastic-y
Any food for sale at a Duane Reade
Disposable water bottles
Reusable water bottles
Plastic glasses being washed in the dishwasher
Diet Coke
Internet routers
Bodega salads

I'm a mess, but I still ain't never givin' up blue Equal packets and the occasional how-the-fuck-is-this-so-good froyo. Either way, let's just settle the score: if you call me a hippie instead of a future Jewish grandmother, we both come out a lot better, don't we? And this deadhead's got some banana ice cream to make.


elle said...

Deodorant, for sure.

Chelsea said...

I have the exact same fear list. I'm afraid of the world!!!!!!!

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