BIG NEWS: ALL OF MY LIFE'S DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.
This is a CAPS-level situation, so we using CAPS, boy. ALL CAPS. I am proud, elated, shocked and excited to announce that I am one of US Weekly's Fashion Cops. As in, the back-of-the-book, tiny-faced sassy pants personas that ridicules Anne Hathaway and Katie Holmes from the comfort of their own homes. One small step for man, one giant leap towards taking Kelly Osborne's place in a Jonathan Adler throne across from Joan Rivers on E!'s Fashion Police. (Can you make that a career ambition on LinkedIn? We'll see.)
Anyway, this is all sorts of crazy, because my bucket list is empty, you guys. Empty! I'm going to have to start daydreaming about riding shotgun on a Lear jet with Beyonce and Blue Ivy, or ride an elephant into a CostCo or some shit involving parades and roller coasters and state fairs with francheezies up for grabs. (Please note: one of my dreams was an "amusement park in my backyard", so maybe Michael Jackson wasn't so crazy after all and just liked to have a good time. Hey, the movie Big is wAaAaAaAy weirder than Neverland Ranch's concept. Emphasis on concept, a'course.)
Take a peek at my, ahem, fantastic jokes, check back bi-weekly for more, and pick up this week's issue, on newsstands now. (It's the one with Kate Middleton on the cover, and this freakazoid's face on the last page.)