Blow me, Hocus Pocus.
Okay, OKAY okay, I’ll take that back. Lightning should strike me dead if I don't honor the sanctity of the supernatural triumvirate classic, but it's autumn and I'm unhappy. Each time Halloween season rolls around — sorry, pumpkin-infused October — I’m reminded that i can’t amass free chocolate bars from strangers’ doors, dress like a ghost for three days straight, or even be impressionable enough to believe in a “run” being “fun”. But, most important and very worst of all, I can only enjoy a painfully limited three minutes of my all-time favorite spooktacular tale, "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah".
The hairy Jewish anthem is a modern-day masterpiece, and all we’ve got is a small sliver of its mystical goodness to hit repeat on, a travesty in an age where Sex and The City can churn out two craptacular movies and even Stefon gets a mini-finale of his own embedded into Weekend Update. I posed the above jungle-bordered question and many of you agreed, so I ask once again: why, why can’t we watch a full-length movie featuring young rabbinical-taught men becoming demons of the night?!
It’s mind blowing that this comic Halloween masterpiece can’t be put on loop on DryBar screens and TaxiTV when the pumpkin festivities begin. It upsets me on a deep — like, lower intestine deep — level that we as yet-undefined tweens were forced to spend Friday nights clutching the sweaty palms of classmates, spending a coin purse of babysitting money on terrible Chris Kattan spinoffs when we could have been singing along the Rocky Horror-inspired Thriller-esque soundtrack Tracy Jordan & Co. would have dreamt up.
The greatest day in a young curly-fro'd boy's life mixed with the excitement and adventure of Teen Wolf sounds like the perfect log line for studio investment, and with Tina Fey at the helm crafting songs about "where, where, did this hair come from there?" and tying together the carnal screams of human-to-werewolf growth patterns with the voracity of nabbing lox before the post-services Kiddush is kaput, it coulda been a dream. A dream!
Clearly, we as a culture have dropped the proverbial ball on this one. Come on NBC, do us a fucking mitzvah and make the only movie I’ve ever wanted to see about Jewish people that didn’t feature Seth Rogen.
And in case you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, listen to the song below and hate yourself for not knowing what joys the fall season brings. Seriously, I'm more offended than if you somehow still thought Jews had horns. But then again, if you want to make a text message recording of Tracy's pal asking "Where'd you learn all these Jewish words?" and send it my way, I'd totally accept it as an early Hanukkah gift. I’m still working on getting this ringtone to play on my telephone, and it ain't lookin' pretty.