I mean, I could tell you all the things I'm too busy doing to update this site — you know, the one site that every single online profile of mine pushes people directly to — but instead, I'll just plop a photo down and let you infer what I'm up to and why I'm maniacally scrunched over the computer from last week thru to next, save for the occasional scared-im-getting-sick tea break in the cold outdoors of New York City.
- Too busy walking around preying on street style photographers so that I can finally stop using words to make cash money and instead try to be the world's first street style 'lebrity known for eating and drinking caloric creations while stopped on the sidewalk?
- Hoping if I wear bellbottoms enough that I'll summon Bob Dylan from the almost-grave and he'll take me back through time to when Greenwich Village was scary but my parents didn't have cell phones so she wouldn't know I was getting into trouble and I'll see him play his guit-ar-monica rig for the very first time?
- Wondering why these seemingly small glasses look so godforsakenly '80s on my very large face?
- Smiling through being annoyed that my mom wants to take a picture of me even though I have no memories from this year besides gross selfies so this was actually a pretty bright idea since it's shot in a way where it'll probably be a crinkled, sepia photo to show my grandchildren in the future?
- Praying no one from PETA is hoisting a can of red paint above my head that I'll notice when I turn back around?
- Barely able to stand from a purse overstuffed with tchotchkes and expense receipts that desperately needs to be cleaned out, as it currently looks like a leather-coated colostomy bag?
- Wondering if leather-covered and studded, bedazzled colostomy bags may be a business that I should think about getting into?
- Procrastinating from all the mountains of work I actually have to do by playing hypotheticals?
The choice is all yours!!!!!!*
*I need a nap