Monday, February 3

Teen Drama Queen

Guys, there's so much to catch you up on. Is it barely 3pm and I've already taken a 90-minute nap today? Yes. Is this photo of Lady Gaga and Britney Spears creeping the fuck out of me? Yes. Is there a Roomba gliding around the loft like the puppy I'll never have who may also eat my intestines from the bottom upwards because he does not understand human suffering and will consume anything in his wake? Yes. (I should probably just pick up the baguette crumbs myself at this point, shouldn't I.)

While I have many stories to tell about the late-night parties and the cross-country adventures and the fact that I still haven't unpacked my suitcase from last week (oops), I did want to drop off a couple of nuggets I wrote for Teen Vogue along the way. More on travels tomorrow, but for today -- a flashback at young love and teenage romance. Shall we?

So, you know the deal. You're in a group of seven friends, you want on one of them, and you tell your pal Nina that you think Josh is cute and she cuts in and teases Josh about it on the DL to get him to date her instead. Or, you and Josh get together and it works perfectly so you tell the girls and he tells the guys and then, ugh jesus christ, everyone tells you that your relationship makes them "uncomfortable" and his ex-girlfriend Chrissy is going to be "so p-o'd" (instead of pissed off, because of course, this way's more annoying) and then you're all "Fine! Forget it, Josh! This isn't worth it!" And you end up single and sad because he wasn't too terrible of a kisser after all.

People are the worst sometimes, right? Well, take a gander at this bad boy and you'll know how to get 'em, keep 'em, and not cry your pretty mascara'd eyes out when they tell you that, eek, they actually aren't sure if they think of you in that way. And, if you're a big pimp daddy who has male friends who are professing their love as often as they eat a bagel for breakfast, we got somethin' for you, too, so you won't feel like a total bitch for turning 'em down. Look at that! Win-win! That's how we like it.

Erm, unless it's lose-lose. Luckily, I've been through enough of these — and on both ends, too! — to know how to make it go down without igniting in flames. Personally, I'm a fan of the "Mmm, I just need closure" move as an excuse to continue to eat ice cream and hang out with your ex at least one last time after they dump your sorry ass, but I didn't want to pass on my legacy of odd failure to the youth of America, so instead, I laid out exactly what you need to know to take it like a champ, or give it like a pro. And, if you wanna toe the line between being complimentary and not having to outline why they're such a shitty boyfriend in screamed detail, I got that in there, too.

See? Now you can be happy, even if that ice cream is eaten out of a gallon-sized container and done so completely alone.

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